*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone鈥檚 ankles
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
When people say I don鈥檛 mean to brag they鈥檙e bragging about not bragging.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
This is I, Robot all over again
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it鈥檚 called a pew
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.