Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”