Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
guys i’ve cracked the code
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁