Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sending in my taxes
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.