I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
They’re really bad with fonts.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.