[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I have never related to a cat more
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
And that about sums it up.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The days of good grammer has went
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
kitchen magnet
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?