i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.