[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?