Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey