Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*launders Kohls cash*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.