Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now