All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*