I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”