Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo