inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Lucky old June.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.