Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Guys, I found it.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”