Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Intelligence is the new cleavage
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.