GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
You Might Also Like
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Jail
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Mhm.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks