The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)