You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.