If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
In Canada they just call them geese
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
beware of dog
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
This is not me but this is me
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time