If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”