[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?