when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
what day is it?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake