“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Life cycle of cat
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.