Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.