According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
How to make infinite energy.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.