Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.