Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath