I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You Might Also Like
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I think the cat got the dog high.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.