At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.