sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Camping tip: No.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
What a year we’ve had this week.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.