Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Okey dokey.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
not to brag, but mine was free
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying