Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”