My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?