If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Every haunted house movie:
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.