*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this