You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Sharon I have some bad news
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.