Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.