Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to