[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.