Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
“How’s your day going?”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Follow me for more life hacks.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it