*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Twitter remains undefeated
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think