god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?