How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
(2022)
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The game has officially changed 😎
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.