I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.