Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
You Might Also Like
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.