There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The Book. The Movie.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.