💯😂
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
🤣🤣
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
wtf is a larm clock?
im all 3
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.