🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Please do it!
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.